Get Well Gary!
Today comes the sad news that our friend Gary Coleman was rushed to a Lost Angeles hospital yesterday for what he describes as a seizure. He remained overnight for testing.
Scary news, yes, but because this is Gary Coleman, the story gets weirder. You see, he was in town to talk to producers of his latest movie (his latest movie?) about removing a full-frontal nudity scene. (Yes, you read that correctly.) He claims the footage was unauthorized.
Thankfully it appears his CAT scan was fine and he appears to be okay, but still, I think I speak for America when I say that I am not ready for Gary to leave this Earthbound plane. Stay healthy Gary. And keep entertaining us for years to come!
One way or another…
–Cap’n Blackjack
The Three Stooges Movie: No, No, and, um, NO
To quote Jimmy from South Park, “You see this? You hear about this?”
"I just flew in from Denvah and boy are my crutches tired!"
The Farrelly Brothers (There’s Something About Mary, Dumb & Dumber) are developing a live action Three Stooges movie originally slated to star Benicio Del Toro as Moe, Sean Penn as Larry, and Jim Carrey as Curly.
Oh, Moe. You so crazy!
Yikes.
Look, I haven’t enjoyed a Three Stooges short since the days of Solid Gold. And I’m pretty sure that the only target audience for the Stooges are adolescent boys. Seriously, have you met a woman who enjoys the Stooges? Because I sure haven’t.
I do love me some Solid Gold
On top of that, the Farrellys haven’t made a good movie since…well, the 90s. Fever Pitch anyone?
Yuck
This long-gestating movie smells worse than a week-old salmon in the sun. All I can say is, Sean, Benicio, get out before you find yourself unable to wash the stink of this film off of you. You are both better than this.
The Farrellys and Carrey? Not so much.
–Cap’n Blackjack
Exile Island: Another Foodie joins the castaways.
Todd English
There are two things that are delicious in this picture, wouldn't you agree?
I really wanted to exile someone or something else (the list is long and growing) but I just couldn’t help myself.
This past weekend I turned the TV to PBS and watched the usual Saturday afternoon lineup of cooks, chefs and foods from around the world, most notably Italy. Julia and Lidia were a delight and even Ming I can tolerate. But once Mr. English and his smug-ass clown beak exploded onto the screen I scrambled to watch anything else! Or nothing at all.
A certain Carly Simon song comes to mind...
Is it me or does Todd English look like a smarmy slime ball with brie-smelling breath and sweat that stinks like eels? Stop making love to the camera, you oleaginous cad!
When I was at Mohegan Sun over the summer I refused to even consider his “restaurant”. Just read this excerpt from an April 2009 Boston Magazine article by Amy Traverso:
“He carries himself like a celebrity, too, flashing a signature half smile that gives the impression he’s mistaken you for a camera. He has gone on record in the past admitting that he’s naturally shy, explaining that his ability to work a room was a learned skill. It’s clear he’s gotten the hang of it.”
http://www.bostonmagazine.com/restaurants/articles/reconsidering_todd_english/page1
Yuck!
Actually, the article turns pro-English but it doesn’t matter.
I don’t like him. Erica Wang, consider yourself lucky. You deserve better. We all do.
Bye-bye, T.
-Limejuiceboy
Indiana Jones and the Perils of a Stupid Script
This weekend, while sick yet again for New Year’s, I had the misfortune of revisiting Indiana Jones’ latest adventure: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Now, I knew what I was getting myself into. I saw it when it opened, and subsequently ruined the fancy dinner my wife and I had planned afterwards. Why did I ruin it? Well, it wasn’t intentional but I was pissed! Pissed at the Labeouf, the three waterfalls, the CG prairie dogs, the fridge nuking, the CG monkeys, the vine-swinging with said monkeys, the absolutely insipid climax, and some more Labeouf to boot.
It was dumb. It was embarrassing. I hated it. This wasn’t the Indiana Jones I grew up with and I just couldn’t come to terms with it. I focused on all the things listed above, and for good reason. They are terrible. But upon seeing the movie a second time, I realized that the true problem was hidden beneath this garbage. I saw that there were flaws so inherent to the plot that even had those monkeys, aliens, and Labeoufs been fixed, the movie still wouldn’t have worked.
The problem was with the story. Let me explain:
1. Mac
Unless you have seen this movie recently, you have probably forgotten about the new character named Mac. He starts the movie off captured by the Russians with Indiana Jones at Area 51. We discover that he’s a chum of Indy’s and they’ve worked together in the past. Okay, I can go along with this. No problem.
But here’s where this character goes so wrong: He betrays Indy about ten minutes into the film, revealing he’s working with the Russians. Of course Indy escapes, but when he runs into Mac about halfway through the film, Mac claims to be back on Indy’s side. They go through some adventures together until, near the end, we discover that, yes, he’s still working with the Russians.
So, what’s the tally here? Two betrayals and one reversal, yes? This is a huge mistake. From the very beginning of the movie the filmgoer learns to mistrust Mac. So, later, when Mac returns, we still don’t trust him (even though Indy does for some reason). Then, we learn we were right all along not to trust him. He was a bad guy after all.
Here’s what should have happened: Mac should have betrayed Indy ONCE, near the end, at the most crucial of times. This way the viewer would have learned to like Mac, as Indy does. The betrayal would have so much more impact. The whole film could turn on this one event. Instead we know he’s a weasel from the get go and we’re left wondering why the hell Indy is helping him out later on.
Dumb.
2. Mother and Son
Shia Labeouf is introduced as Mutt Williams, a biker youth with some anger issues. He finds Indy and tells him about his mother (Mary, she’s called) who has been kidnapped. This, along with other details about the skull and stuff, sets the movie into motion. But that’s not the big problem with this.
The big problem is that it is COMPLETELY obvious that Mutt is Indy’s son and “Mary” is none other than Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Look, we’re not stupid. From the moment we knew the Labeouf was cast in this movie we guessed that he was Indy’s son. Indy’s getting old…it just makes sense. So, why try to cover this up in the story? Why try to create a mystery around something that is so blatantly obvious to everyone watching?
Here’s what they should have done: Mutt should have said from the beginning that he was Indy’s son. This would have shocked Indy and would have set up an interesting dynamic for the two of them. Then, Mutt should have said that his mother, Marion, is in danger (not already kidnapped, let’s give Indy a chance to rescue her, dammit! But I digress…) and needs help. This would have helped set the plot in motion with much more interest than as currently constituted.
Look, they’re in the movie to create an interesting dynamic, right? So, just be upfront about it and let that dynamic play out!
Dumb.
3. Cardboard Baddies
Indy movies have always had good villains. Raiders had Belloq and the Nazi with the coat hanger. Temple of Doom had the guy who pulled hearts out of peoples’ chests and that little brat kid (no, not Short Round, the other one). The Last Crusade had Donovan and Elsa Schneider (a betrayal handled much more effectively than Mac).
Who does the new movie have? A psychic Russian woman with a terrible haircut, a burly Russian guy, and Mac. This would have been okay had these villains actually been in the least bit threatening.
With Cate Blanchett’s character we have a psychic who practically never uses her powers and a master swordsman who never uses her sword! (At least not to kill people. And she can’t even beat the Labeouf as his nads are getting slapped by passing vegetation!) Shouldn’t the main villain actually kill someone? Maybe? This is just one totally underutilized character. She just wants the skull. That’s it. Nothing more. Boring!
And then there’s the burly Russian guy. Here’s his character arc: He punches Indy, gets punched back, punches some more, gets punched back, gets eaten by ants. Ugh.
Dumb.
4. The Missing FBI Plot Thread
After Indy (somehow) escapes a nuclear blast, the FBI shows up to question him. You see, they don’t trust him after what happened with Mac and the Russians. They threaten him and his job. This sets up an interesting plot device, yes? A dynamic not yet seen before in the series, right?
Well, what happens is that the movie proper begins and we never hear from the FBI ever again. Never. Not once!
Do they follow him? No. Do they keep track of his movements at all? No. Do they even show up at the end of the movie to close this plot thread? No! It’s just dropped. Completely. How did this happen? How did no one making this movie notice this or do something about it?
Dumb.
5. Indy and the Skull
In all the previous movies, Indiana Jones has been chasing an artifact of interest (the Ark, the three stones, and the Holy Grail). Either the bad guys have it or it’s hidden away in a place both parties are trying to access. It’s a great way to use a macguffin and it’s been successful each time in the series thus far. But in this installment Indy gets the skull with relative ease fairly early in the film.
And he has it with him, or his “crew”, for most of the rest of the story.
Um, how is this interesting? Sure, the bad guys can still chase Indy and the skull, but doesn’t this ruin any motivation on the part of our heroes? Instead of chasing after the skull, Indy is being chased, which only brings the bigger problem of motivation into the light.
You see, Indy never seems to really give a crap about the skull for the entire movie. This isn’t an ancient artifact that he believes in or is even interested in. He gets wrapped up in the quest for the skull due to the convoluted Mutt/Marion plotline instead.
This is a HUGE mistake. Indiana Jones is a man of passion. He is a man of want. He wants to track down mysterious artifacts so that they can be properly examined by the scientific community. In all the previous movies he either wanted the artifact due to a need (like the children in Temple of Doom) or because it’d be the discovery of a lifetime (Raiders and the Last Crusade). In this one he has no desire for the skull and has no idea what to do with it once he gets it.
If Indy doesn’t care about the skull, why should I? Why should anyone?
The writers could have easily fixed this by simply granting Indy with a passion to find this skull! Then, subsequently, they could have made it more difficult for Indy to obtain. This would have made for a far more entertaining film. Instead we have a limp dick of a motivation that just serves to make the entire thing a bore.
Dumb!
–Cap’n Blackjack
Sports Year 2009: A Recap
The 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers
Oh goody, another championship for the Steelers.
The 2009 Pittsburgh Penguins
Wait, Pittsburgh again? I don’t like where this is going…
The 2009 Los Angeles Lakers
Oh, C’mon now! That’s not right. That’s just not right! (Besides, shouldn’t that guy be in jail or something?)
The *gulp* 2009 New York Yankees
You @$*&ing $@#!ers can suck my %&!-jiggling $#@& monkey @#$!
GAHHHHH!!!!!!!
–Cap’n Blackjack
Exile Island: 2009!
go away!
Hey, 2009…EFF YOU! I am so glad you are over and done with (knocking on wood since 2009 has all day to get at me one more time).
You really brought it to me, 2009. But I have it all set up for a great 2010. So there!
And welcome 2010! I’ll be nice to you if you be nice to me…
awww, look at the little kitty...
2009….you are hereby banished forever!
-Limejuiceboy
This is Getting Sick, New Year's!
Yep, that’s me!
…
Okay, you’re right. That’s not me. But I am sick.
On New Year’s.
For the second straight year.
There’s nothing like ringing in the new year with a box of tissues and a pile of Zicam wrappers. 2009 started that way and it looks like 2010 will be no different. Greeaaat.
So, New Year’s, you’re officially on Timeout Island. You try this next year and you’re on permanent exile.
You have been warned.
–Cap’n Sickjack
The Golden Girls’ Top 6 Restaurants….or something like that.
Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?
Here at the Island we love food. And although this list could easily be 100, I wanted to offer up a short dish of places I have been to and enjoyed. But mostly I just wanted to post something new…and about food…and from different spots of the country. And I miscounted, so that’s why this is a Top 6 list. Deal.
Of course, restaurants outside of these United States are on an entirely different list. So get ready for some hard-hitting food reporting! Mangia!
Give me The Works!
I was in Marietta for 5 days and I went here twice. The pizza is excellent, the atmosphere is inviting and the beer is good. Try the specialty pizza…I recommend The Works.
Mouth-watering Filet Mignon
Chicago does a lot of things right. And cooking the perfect steak is no exception. I lived in the Windy City for 3 years and only went here once. What a shame.
Orecchiette pasta..that's right!
A great Italian restaurant in Boston’s North End. Again, I’ve only been here once. But I plan to go again in 2010! The downstairs is a great place to have dinner. I also need to hang out in the bar upstairs. Hmmm, martini’s or manhattan’s?
Elk Medallions
In Crested Butte, Colorado. Yummy!
scallops wrapped in bacon
I have been here numerous times but not for a year now. It is one of my favorites in the biggest city in NH (don’t laugh). The prices are low, the entrees are excellent, and Richard himself is usually in the front, offering a smile and a big welcome.
Crab Cannelloni App.
In Philadelphia. Have the $33 four-course option. Oh, and in Philly, most places are BYOB. This place is no exception. And it is excellent!
-Limejuiceboy, food critic extraordinaire!
Introducing the Most Pointless Celebrity of the Decade…
…Jon Heder.
Yes, Napoleon Dynamite.
Did we really let this guy into our homes for the past five years? Did we really need to see him star in other movies like the Benchwarmers and Blades of Glory? While those are undoubtedly terrible movies that couldn’t be made any worse by his involvement, what exactly made people think that we’d want to see this guy in anything else? Wasn’t Napoleon Dynamite enough? Isn’t that a fad that we’re all glad is over with and done for?
America, please learn from your mistakes. Don’t let this happen again next decade.
Please.
–Cap’n Blackjack
Limejuiceboy’s Top 5 worst movies of the Aughts.
yeah, so do you..
So…many…movies.
Yet during my research I realized there were a lot of movies this decade that I didn’t see. And with good reason. So to be fair to the movies that will be BANISHED! I decided that I could only BANISH! the worst movies of the Aughts that I have seen, whether it be all the way through or to a point where I had to shut it off 15 minutes in. Of course there are what could be considered obvious selections that I ignored, mainly because I have mentioned them in older posts (like Cat In The Hat), or I plan on BANISHING! Them on their own (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, your days are numbered).
So, without further delay, and in no particular order, here are the top 5 BANISHED! movies of this decade:
Glitter (2001)
la la la la la la...
And I have seen this movie more than once! I’ll spare you the details or even a high-level synopsis of Glitter but if you do end up with this wet trash in the DVD player, the best part of the movie is when the main menu comes up. That’s because Mariah’s face explodes into glitter! It’s the best wipe I’ve seen. Everything after that is horrendous. I’ve seen better film on teeth.
Big Momma’s House 1 and 2 (2000 and 2006)
OMG, they are making a 3rd!
This was an in-flight movie. Worst. Plane ride. Ever.
Envy (2004)
All I could find was a picture of the movie poster. It wasn’t worth the effort to upload it. I shut this movie off within 10 minutes.
The Family Stone (2005)
See SJP in the middle? keep reading...
Actually there is one part, lasting 2 seconds, that wasn’t all that bad. The rest was a fracking nightmare when one S.J.P. was on screen. And that was all the time. The 2 second part was when the father slammed his fist on the dinner table and made S.J.P shut the f. up. That was the only time I showed a happy emotion during this devastation. But then I realized something with this terrible movie: Sarah J. Parker was not acting. That is how she is in real life! Scary. And scary bad.
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
I feel sick
This movie made my skin crawl, my stomach felt like it was ripped out and all I wanted to do was rip my eyes out of my sockets so I could access my brain and tear out the part that made me remember what I just saw.
So, here’s to the Aught’s! I can only hope the Teens can give me another opportunity to subject myself to the same level of slug vom as these did.
-LJB
Topical Island 