Cap’n Blackjack, this one’s for you.
My house smells like skunk.
And I don’t like it.
Thanks to my territorial Maine coon cat, and the screen door to the back yard, a skunk decided to fire it’s bits inside my home. Right through the screen. Onto my cat’s face. Right before bedtime.
And I don’t like it.
But if one good thing did come from this stinky surprise, it’s the jokes. Thanks to all of you who decided to brighten my day with gems such as:
Q: What does a skunk fly in?
A: A smellicopter!
Q: What do you get when you cross a robot with a skunk? Wait for it…
A: R2 PU!
Hoo boy, my knee’s all red from all this slappin’. Anyway, I’ll send you off with my favorite. Take it away, Newt.
I’ll remember that.
If aliens are watching us, they are undoubtedly sure of two things: Americans love talking (and dancing) animals and they can’t eat anything if it doesn’t have chipotle in it.
And they’d be right.
But let’s start with the talking animals first.
By now you’ve probably seen commercials for Marmaduke, the spiritual successor to Furry Vengeance, Garfield, and the live-action Scooby Doo films. And in those commercials you can see the “filmmakers” have hit all the necessary points:
- Is the animal voiced by a well-known, non-threatening, not especially expensive actor? Oh yes. This time it’s Owen Wilson. Joy.
- Does the animal have a “funny” sidekick preferably with a sassy latin voice? Definitely! This time it’s a cat voiced by George Lopez. That’s gotta be funny. Like Beverly Hills Chihuahua funny.
- Is there a dance sequence where the entire cast of animals get on their hind legs and gyrate to a song popular with all the kiddies? Damn straight there is. To Tick Tock by Kesha this time (a favorite of Limejuiceboy’s). Does it make you want to put a Zippo to your eyeballs? Hell yes it does. God gave those animals four legs for a reason people.
And it’s not just movies. Commercials have been using talking animals to shill their products for years. Geico has the gekko, Charmin has the talking bears with dingleberries on their asses, Snapple now has talking panda bears (because when I think juice, I think panda), and I just saw Carfax has unveiled their new mascot, the Car Fox. Get it? Of course you do. It’s stupid.
Makes me wonder if all this talking animal business stems from something deeper. Do Americans hate their fellow humans so much so as to not trust them to sell them products? Or are we more easily entertained than ever before? And if so, isn’t that a step down for progress?
I digress. I mentioned chipotle before, right?
That’s right, that funny little spice with the super fun name that apparently fell out of the sky three years ago to take the country by storm. I mean, I never heard of chipotle until the past few years. Yet all of a sudden every restaurant chain was busy wheeling out their new crazy chipotle product. From Chilis to the ol’ Sizzler you’ve got a wide variety of choices like: honey chipotle crispers, barbeque chipotle snackers, and, of course, honey barbeque chipotle crispy snackers.
The sad thing that this wasn’t enough for America. No, one company decided that they wouldn’t just shake and slather chipotle over all their products. That wasn’t good enough. No, they had to embody chipotle. Become chipotle. Name themselves…you guessed it…CHIPOTLE!
Damn it people, do any of you even know what chipotle is? Do you know why you need it? My theory is that the only reason this pesky spice rose to such promise is that people just like to say it.
CHEE-POH-T-LAY. Whee!!! Fun!
By now you’re probably looking for a point to this long rant (if you even made it this far) and I’m not sure I have one. I’m just personally sick of both of these trends. And it’s only a matter of time until Kevin James voices a latin badger who likes to dance to Justin Bieber upon hearing that a platter of honey barbeque chipotle crispy snackers are on the way.
And I don’t want that. Not now. Not ever.
That is all.
–Cap’n Chipotle Snackjack
The Olympics. We either love them or we hate them and usually at the same time. But for 18 days during the Games it is all everyone talks about, how great the competition is, how amazing this game or that game was, how fascinating the athletes are.
The tone is different surrounding the Games during the off-years. Reports of mismanagement both in construction and politics, charts of lost profits both for the host country and the host network, and adverse affects on the environment provide a steady stream of negative publicity.
The same goes for the Olympic Mascot. There have been some whoppers out there that did not go over well with the public and rightfully so. That’s why when today the mascot, or in this case mascots, of the 2012 London Games was unveiled my first reaction was one of bewilderment. But after I did some searching and after reading a few negative articles without much follow through, especially one where the writer used the words “horrific” and “frightening” and then included a bunch of pictures and nothing else (Noah Love from the National Post, I am calling you out!) I found the origin story of Wenlock and Mandeville.
So please, I know it’s easy to pass judgement on looks alone and it can be fun to bash around a mascot, especially an Olympic one (hi, Izzy!), but watch the video. I hope you give them a chance.
Italy is known for many things, especially pizza, that wonderful food that I could eat all day and if I lived in Italy I would, since it is a staple at the breakfast table. And of all the towns throughout Italy, Naples is the preeminent location for all things pizza. Neapolitans take their pizza so seriously in fact that there are considered to be only two true pizzas: the Marinara and the Margherita.
It’s a big deal.
Well, if you are going to Naples or if you have been recently, you might want to pay attention to this article from England’s Telegraph:
Italian prosecutors believe pizza in the southern city of Naples may be baked in ovens lit with wood from coffins dug up in the local cemetery, according to Italian daily Il Giornale.
Investigators in Naples are setting their sights on the thousands of small, lower-end pizza shops and bakeries that dot the city on suspicion that the owners may “use wood from caskets to keep ovens burning.”
So there’s a rotting corpse in a wooden box and these are then used to stoke the fires to bake the pizzas that millions of people eat as they traverse their way through the villages of Italy, with no knowledge whatsoever as to what is going to happen to them. Until…
Do you know what this means? I know exactly what this means…
Italy is turning anyone who has visited Naples into an army of Zombies! How is this possible, you may ask? The fumes from the rotting corpses stick, if you will, to the wooden boards of the coffins which, when burned, create a chemical reaction that spreads like a virus into the pizza dough. Consuming said dough lays the foundation for a slow-release inside the human body, after the infected have crossed into other countries, returned home, and basically fanned out across the globe. Soon they will become the walking undead. They will organize. And they will be everywhere.
There isn’t much we can do.
Italy has screwed us all. Sure, we could stave off the Zombie Attack by offering them all the available pizza until supplies run out, but that’s a short-term plan. The “Z.A.” will be at every doorstep and Mama Celeste just won’t cut it anymore. The Zombies want an upgrade on their pizza–they want Brain Pizza. It appears that nothing is going to stop them.
Let’s just hope there are heroes out there that know their pizza and are willing to save humanity.
Eminent Domain has been around for a long, long time, in some way, shape and/or form. Typically when a new case is brought to the public’s attention there is usually outrage, albeit locally, followed by a few meetings in the local school or town hall, then the relatively long wait while decisions are being made to the final say by the government which might as well come down to “we had already made up our mind well before the meetings–we’re taking your land.”
Now, this outcome is always sad and I have been witness to a few ED instances over the years. But after a while, you forget how nice that house was and instead marvel at how wide the highway is and how great it is that the drive to wherever is 10 minutes less than it ever was.
And here we are with a new case of ED being played out in the northern most part of Vermont. From the Boston Globe:
The Department of Homeland Security sees Morses Line as a weak link in the nation’s borders, attractive to terrorists trying to smuggle in lethal materials. The government is planning an estimated $8 million renovation here as part of a nationwide effort to secure border crossings.
It intends to acquire 4.9 acres of border land on a dairy farm owned for three generations by the Rainville family. Last month, the Rainvilles learned that if they refuse to sell the land for $39,500, the government intends to seize it by eminent domain
The Rainvilles say the land, where they grow a portion of the feed for 150 head of cattle, is worth far more than the offer.
The Rainvilles suggest that the Morses Line port, where only 14,811 vehicles crossed in 2009, could be shut down altogether. They say the stimulus money would be better spent upgrading the busy Highgate Springs port 11 miles to the west, where Interstate 89 connects with a Canadian route to Montreal. Hundreds of thousands of vehicles cross there each year.
I’m all for making our borders more secure and I agree that there are a lot of places up North that offer unchecked access to America
(let’s hope terrorists don’t pick up hiking and discover the Long Trail). But from how it sounds, the Rainvilles have a very good point, as far as expanding the border crossing on Interstate 89. Or if the government must take the land (and we all know that they will), why can’t they pay up?! Push that offer into the six digits and then it won’t seem so bad—the Rainvilles will have a little more breathing room and the Feds can build their multiplex and ensure the safety of all us peace-loving individuals.
Plus, it’ll be just another checkpoint for my friend to get strip searched. There’s something about her the Canadians just don’t like.