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Archive for November, 2009

McCarver Cont'd: Will He Ever Stop?

November 30, 2009 Leave a comment

courtesy nytimes.com

I couldn’t agree more about Mr. McCarver.  Between Chip Caray, Dane Cook, Scooter the Talking Baseball, and him, it makes October baseball nearly unwatchable.

So, when I heard that Mr. McCarver is only 68 years old, well…it shook me to the core.

Why is that a problem for me?  It’s a problem because he’s just too damn young.  No, I don’t want him to die.  And yes, I realize that 68 is not young in the grand scheme of things, but it’s certainly not old when it comes to baseball broadcasting.  These guys can last well beyond it, and often do.  After all, it’s not hard to talk sports and down glass after glass of whiskey, right? 

What 68 means to me is that Tim McCarver will be broadcasting October playoff baseball for at least another ten years, if not longer.

And that just sends shivers down my spine.

–Cap’n Blackjack

P.S. Please visit www.shutuptimmccarver.com for many McCarver gems including:

“If you leadoff and you play every day, you’re guaranteed to bat with the bases empty at least 162 times.”- Tim McCarver, July 8th, 2006

Brilliant.  Just brilliant.

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Categories: Uncategorized

Sunday Sports Island–Monday Edition: Tim McCarver

November 30, 2009 Leave a comment

If there is one good thing about baseball in the off-season it’s that we don’t have to subject ourselves to certain, unwanted things: your team sucking it up in the standings, a certain rivalry dominating the scene, and the horrendous “announcing” of one James Timothy McCarver. Granted FOX has its own issues with their cartoony graphics, the sloppy camera work, missing a pitch because they didn’t come back from a commercial fast enough and their love, LOVE for all things pinstripes. Hmm, how could they make it even more unbearable? Why, add the nonsensical musings of Tim McCarver, of course!

“So by guessing right you might have guessed wrong.”
“Mt. Everest erupts again!”
“Roy Oswalt is a drop and drive pitcher. What is a drop and drive pitcher? He is a guy who drops and drives. Very simple.”
“Sometimes a walk is better than a homerun.”

Ugh. It’s so painful to watch a game on FOX with this butt clown. I used to think that by the 7th inning I could hear the sloshing sound of scotch rolling in the highball he kept. But now I just think he’s an idiot. Who would pass their own teammate on the base path? An idiot. Not only that but he adds nothing of value to the commentary. And I’m no Joe Buck fan either, but it must be torture to have to directly deal with Timmy for 4+ hours. Look, I understand that it’s a national broadcast and maybe you have to dumb it down a bit for the casual fans. But I lose all intelligence after listening to him; my eyes glaze over, I drool on my shirt and “I’m gonna have a field of alfalfa for the rabbits…”


“And I get to tend the rabbits.”

Yes, after watching Tim McCarver, I feel as smart as Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Thanks Timmy.

It gets better. Timmy has his own music CD! Here’s his rendition of “There Used to Be a Ballpark”:

http://www.archer-records.com/mp3/there_used_to_be_a_ballpark.mp3

 

It’s hilariously bad. Timmy, you are not banished for your CD. You are banished for everything else.

Sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong..!

–Limejuiceboy

Categories: Uncategorized

Rachael Ray EXPOSED! Does She Hate Sick Kids?

November 29, 2009 Leave a comment

courtesy huffingtonpost

Does Island-Member Rachael Ray hate kids with severe illnesses?  Allegedly, yes!  At least according to our new intrepid reporter, Sassy Lassy, who had the misfortune of having direct contact with the Ray.  Here’s what she passed along to us at great risk to her well-being:

She was our neighbor at Paul Newmans’ Double H ranch for kids with critical illnesses (HIV, CP, Hemophiliacs, MS, sickle cell, etc.). She did not show us a very neighborly attitude. We invited her to the camp a few times to meet the kids, every year she declined. Which I understand, a bitch needs her privacy. However, not only did she just not come and visit the kids, she would cite noise complaints to the cops when the kids would be boating or fishing on the lake we shared (Lake Luzerne). Nothing came of it. When the cops heard she was reporting kids in wheelchairs, they stopped showing up.

Way to go, Rach.  Way to go.  If this is true, you have proven that your own selfish needs outweigh those of people far less fortunate than you.  That’s just excellent.  And not only that, you’re trying to ruin the good times these kids are lucky enough to have!  Unbelievable.

I think I’m not alone in hoping that karma has its sights set squarely upon you, Rach.

–Cap’n Blackjack w/ Thanks to Sassy Lassy!

Categories: Uncategorized

Black Friday Shoppers: M&M Jackets and Skeezy Rat-Tails

November 27, 2009 Leave a comment

courtesy mlive

Every year, scenes like the one above play out on our television screens and we wonder…

Why?

What compels people to don their favorite M&M jackets, wait in line at 2 in the morning, and trample others, all to get ten dollars off a Hannah Montana singing-star microphone?  Well, I sure as hell don’t know. 

America, the day after Thanksgiving is for nursing hangovers, working on creating new ones, and avoiding your in-laws.  Don’t you know that?  It’s about leftovers, sleeping in, and 24 hour Godfather marathons.  Not waiting in line while having to pee, getting breathed on by the skeezy rat-tailed guy behind you, and throwing punches over Jeff Dunham box sets.

Thanks to people like the ones above, the poor, underpaid employees of these chains have to drag themselves into work before 3am.  Just to deal with a bunch of crazy whackos.  Give them a break.  Let them enjoy their holiday too. 

For the love of God everyone, just stay home and relax today.  There’s still plenty of time to flex your capitalistic muscle before Christmas.  Just wait!  Or else you’ll end up on The Island too.

Now pass me some of that stuffing.

–Cap’n Blackjack

Categories: Uncategorized

Heigl Cont'd: Islands are like Secret Gardens

November 25, 2009 1 comment

courtesy valdosta

Unlike my friend Limejuiceboy, I do not wish that an asteroid would “plow into this planet fast enough” to rid us of Ms. Heigl.  Personally, I’m just meh on her.  She’s not bad to look at, sure, but her career hasn’t really impacted my day to day life enough to have a strong opinion on the matter.

She’s just there.  Whatever.

But that’s not my point.  My point is that Islands are like Secret Gardens.  They’re inside us all.  They’re our own, not for anyone else.  What might be island-worthy to some, won’t be to others.  And that’s fine. 

Heigl’s on The Island.  What you need to ask yourself is: 

Is she on yours?

–Cap’n Blackjack

Categories: Uncategorized

Happy Birthday Katherine Heigl! Welcome to The Island.

November 25, 2009 3 comments

courtesy weblogs/cltv

Happy Belated Birthday, you ungrateful kraut.

Yay, you play Izzie Stevens, a character with the same amount of self-centered attributes as you yourself! You then get nominated for an Emmy and bitch that it shouldn’t have happened because the writing just wasn’t up to your standards? I’m no Grey’s Anatomy fan but shouldn’t you be glad you are being offered work other than anything starring Steven Seagal? Yet you continue to play the same character over and over again: a haired-up, over-worked, under-sexed, single gal who needs a man to open her eyes to the world. Must be the writing, eh K.?

Knocked Up gave you some added fame and exposure yet there you go, criticizing the story elements behind that. And in The Ringer your character was one of the last ones to realize that Steve Barker wasn’t (and I’m using a word that you have used before) a retard. Oh, what, does that word bother you? I bet you wish you never said this: “Guys are kind of retarded until they’re about 30.” Nice one.

You love the attention and how people fawn over your beauty—but that only runs skin deep, Katie. And your skin is about as deep as the waters of Northern Samar (psst, it’s very shallow there).

So let’s make comparisons between the characters you portray and the person I’m confident you are:

Annoying to those around you? Check.

Plays the woe-is-me card constantly? Check.

Bites the hand that feeds? Check, please!

So get off your high horse and wipe your snot nose on your golden sleeve because you won’t have these any longer.  Katherine Heigl, I banish thee, to the Island. Do us a favor and never, ever return.

–Limejuiceboy

Categories: Uncategorized

Patrick Swayze: Golden Girl

November 24, 2009 Leave a comment

courtesy fixster

Here’s your pass to Golden Girl Island, Patrick.  Thank you for being a friend.

–Cap’n Blackjack

Categories: Uncategorized