Archive for June, 2010

The Spy Who Loved Me..

So the Cold War lives on..


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Wimbledon ballers

As I watch the quarterfinals of the 2010 Wimbledon tournament, I am impressed with the efficiency and professionalism of the young-uns situated (oh sweet crab-legs, the tv just panned the crowd and there was Ben Stiller and his hot wife (grrrrr!)) at every possible angle of where the ball might be out-of-bounds.

I have always been a casual fan of tennis…okay, everytime I watch it I have to be reminded of how the scoring goes and then I remember the saying “game, set, match” and realize that is a phrase that indeed comes from tennis. But lately I have been playing tennis and even though a friend of mine said that ‘tennis is a sport that you can be kinda good at pretty fast, but then that’s it’ I still like to play (ask me 6 months from now if I’m still playing–hello candlepin!)


Anyway, I’ve been playing and watching tennis recently and in addition to being a fun game, the ‘ballers’ at the professional matches must get kudos…from

…their sole purpose is to maintain the pace of play and tend to the needs of the players, all the while striving for invisibility.

Regardless of which court they are placed on, ball boys and girls have many responsibilities. The nature of their job demands that they adapt to the pace of each match and the players. Their days tend to be long, hot and physically grueling.

The ability to multi-task is essential for ball boys and girls, with a fluid transition from grabbing and feeding balls to getting players towels all key.


That is all.


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Danica Patrick is all I know about car racing.

Okay, that’s not entirely true.

Although to be truthful, I can’t recall the last time I watched 2 minutes of a race on TV.

The only time I know there is a race going on is when a) someone is pouring milk all over themselves b) traffic on I93 South in New Hampshire is so backed up it takes me 2 hours to go what would normally take me 17 minutes (yeah, 17..) and c) Danicamania arrives.

In this case for this weekend, b and c is happening, but I am more aware of fast cars going around and around and around because of Danica.

I like her.

She’s confrontational (so are 89% of the drivers, 88% of which are male), she’s good (she’s won a race here or there to make her a threat), and she’s cute. Wicked cute.

So yeah, Danica, keep doing what you’re doing.

I like it. (Call me)

And I’m not alone.


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For your Friday viewing pleasure…

-Dr. Frankenjuiceboy

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Coors' Cold Activated Assault on the Senses

Have you ever wondered how much time you have wasted staring into the liquor store cooler contemplating whether that beer you want to drink is cold?

And have you ever asked yourself, Why oh why Lord did you not grant me the ability to determine the temperature?

Well, friend, Coors has the answer:

The Cold Activated Bottle.

It’s a bottle that turns color when it’s cold! Wow!

And not only that! Cans are now cold activated too. Real, honest to goodness cans!


But wait, if you want to get more than just a six pack of Coors Light…how are you supposed to tell it’s cold?

Well, our good-natured friends at Coors has you covered, friend! Because the cases now have cold activated windows!

So you can see your cold activated cans through the cardboard!

Okay, had enough? Yeah, me too.

Seriously, folks, when did Americans (I’m isolating you because I’m going under the assumption no self-respecting foreigner would be caught dead drinking a Coors) become so incompetently stupid as to not be able to determine the temperature of a beer? When I see beer in a fridge or cooler, I’m going to assume it’s cold. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT COOLERS DO. And if I then reach for it and my hand tells my brain that no, this beer is not yet cold, I will then make the decision as to whether I can wait to drink the beer or not.

I feel like I have the right to make that decision. I don’t need it force fed to me. I can go through life pretty confidently without cold activation.

But apparently Coors doesn’t think so. Their motto says, “When the mountains turn blue it’s as cold as the Rockies.” Well, I decided to put that to the test. Want to know what temperature it is in Denver today?

93°F | °C

Current: Partly Cloudy

Wind: SE at 5 mph

Humidity: 10%

Yeah, thought as much. Try drinking a Coors at that temperature.

The real problem here is that Coors has made a decision to avoid what they should do (which is improve their horrible-tasting beer) and embrace the completely unnecessary (develop silly beer packaging innovations). And now, others are following suit. Take a look at Miller Lite’s Vortex bottle:

Seriously, WTF is that? Why do I need a vortex in the bottle? What does this accomplish? Besides, I’m pretty sure I don’t want my beer swirling.

Unless it’s down a funnel that is!

America, please, don’t buy into this. Buy good beer, not silly gimmicks. And trust your senses for criminy’s sake. Your hands and eyes should be enough to tell you whether your beer is cold. And if those fail you, use a sense frighteningly uncommon these days:

Common sense.

–Cold Activated Capjack

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For Your Friday Viewing Pleasure…Garbage Eating Garbage

Mental Note:  Don’t visit the diners on Planet Houston.

Unless you’ve been working out.

–General Zodjack

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Today's Newest Sign of the Apocalypse: Silly Bandz

All of America’s youth agrees:  Silly Bandz rock.

English good that's.

For the uninitiated, Silly Bandz are basically rubber bands that form themselves into the shapes of footballs, monkeys, and jazzy bananas.  Which is appropriate considering that’s what these things make kids. 


They’re wearing them on their wrists, trading them, selling them, and more.  It’s even invading our nation’s campuses!

Huh.  And I thought sorority girls loved piss beer, wet t-shirt contests, and waking up pantless in dumpsters.  What is this world coming to when even our nation’s young harlots-in-training aren’t walking around bowlegged but are covering their arms in rubber bands instead?

Just.  Sad.

But that’s not the worst part.  It seems like the real joy of Silly Bandz is in the torture of hopeless, defenseless animals.  Just take a look for yourself:

Help us


As if the Japanese and BP aren't enough

I, for one, have already had enough of this trend.  These little colorful bastards are destined for the dumpster.  And my guess is that it won’t be long.  Besides, let’s face it, this is a pretty poor excuse for a fad.  Why can’t we go back to the days where Hoola-Hoops, giant sunglasses, and water-bobbing birds were all the rage?

Kids these days don’t know what they’re missing.

–Cap’n Bandzjack

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