Home > Uncategorized > Four Loko and the Great American Freakout

Four Loko and the Great American Freakout

It’s been called “blackout in a can”.  A dangerous mix of caffeine and alcohol.  And it’s out to DESTROY AMERICA’S BRIGHT SHINING FUTURE.

It’s Four Loko and America’s losing its shit all over it.

Massachusetts just became the fifth state in the nation to ban the drink.  It’s being pulled off store shelves as we speak.  So breathe a collective sigh of relief, America.  College students can finally go back to their studying.  The worst scourge to attack America and its freedoms since National Public Radio can’t hurt your children no more. 

Phew!  Now, go mix me up a Cap’n n’ Coke.

Yeah, that’s right, alcohol and caffeine mixed together wonderfully.  Imagine that.  And did you know you can mix coffee and alcohol together too?  It’s true!  Happens all the time.  There’s also vodka and Red Bull.  Not exactly my cup of tea, but not exactly new either.

So, why’s the red hot hate being focused so directly on these colorfully oversized Four Loko cans?  Damned if I know.  My guess is that stupid saying again:

“Blackout in a can.” 

You hear it on the news each time this stupid topic comes up.  And it’s usually accompanied by a shot of some gangly college student putting one back.  SHOCK!  OUTRAGE!  WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! 

Or maybe white people just can’t wrap their head around the name.


Or maybe this is just another example of Modern America, quick to act, not so quick to think, all due to knee-jerk reactions to stories blown way out of proportion by the 24 hour news cycle, competing news outlets,  and the world wide intertubes.  Meanwhile the topics that require action aren’t being addressed at all (energy crisis, Iraq and Afghanistan, global warming, etc).  It’s insane. 

Seriously, everybody, RELAX.  Four Loko isn’t killing your kids.  It’s not eroding our nation’s educational standards (we have Congress and TV for that, after all). 

It’s a can of slop no fundamentally different from that rum n’ coke you love so much.

–Cap’n Blackout in a Can

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