Home > Uncategorized > There Can Be Only One…Mark Wahlberg

There Can Be Only One…Mark Wahlberg

Not Mark Wahlberg

In today’s crazy mixed-up world people don’t have time to get confused by two celebrities with the same name.  And yes, while the spelling of their two names is slightly different, and one is clearly more well-known than the other, as the title suggests…there can be only one!  Mark Walberg.

Which will you choose?

In this corner stands the challenger, Mark L. “Your Antiques Ain’t Worth Shit” Walberg, host of the Antiques Roadshow and overall swell guy.  Born and raised in South Carolina, little Mark was quite the budding thespian, but he also had a soft spot for game shows, and even spent some time as a stand-up comedian.  After working for Dick Clark Productions in the 80s, under Big Dick himself, baby-faced Mark L. started getting some gigs, some of which you’ll remember, and some (undoubtedly) you’ve long forgotten about.  One of which was the Mark Walberg Show.  Like Jenny Jones and Ricki Lake, it was an hour-long daytime program built around airing the dirty laundry of America’s giant human refuse pile.  It didn’t last, but that only opened him up for spots on:

  • Teen Win, Lose or Draw
  • Shop ‘til You Drop
  • Free 4 All
  • Friend or Foe?
  • The Moment of Truth

And, of course…

  • Temptation Island

This is "Fun Mark"

None of these, as you know, holds a candle to the Antiques Roadshow, where he’s been host for quite a few years.  His sweet smile and gentile disposition has endeared him to millions of grandmothers across the country.  He’s not the Mark Walberg you have a one-night stand with, but one you take home to Mama.

But can he bench press cinderblocks?

I can

In the other corner is the champion, Mark “C’mon Swing It” Wahlberg, partially-respected Hollywood actor and disrespected former white rapper.  Younger, funkier, and sexier, Marky Mark seems like the obvious victor between the two, but don’t let those six-pack abs and Calvin Klein undies fool you.  The fight is a lot closer than you may think.  Let’s look at some of his “greatest” hits:

  • Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch:  It’s amazing he even survived this phase.  While “Good Vibrations” was a huge hit, the writing was on the (ahem) Wahl.  They were a one hit wonder, destined to not drop pants for long.  It also didn’t help that when the 1992 book “Marky Mark” was released, Marky was quoted as saying “I wanna dedicate this book to my cock.”  Let’s hope his cock didn’t shrivel up by the understandably low sales figures.
  • Calvin Klein Ads:  Mark’s chest and abs were everywhere in the 90s thanks to those giant Calvin Klein billboards and frequent television commercials.  Maybe the women liked it, but wasn’t the target audience supposed to be male?  Still, Mark, if I want to see giant pictures of half-naked men, I’ll go to Abercrombie and Fitch thank you very much.
  • Movie Career Highs and Lows:  Like Tommy Lee Jones, Mark Wahlberg’s movie career is all over the map.  On one hand you have Boogie Nights and the Departed.  On the other hand you have Planet of the Apes, Rock Star, and the unbelievably awful The Happening, made absolutely no better by his acting.  So, which is it, Mark?  Dirk Diggler or a high school teacher that talks to houseplants?  Help me out here.

Why are you doing this to us, plant?

I personally have a hard time deciding between the two.  The first Mark is pretty plain vanilla.  Nothing exciting but nothing too terrible either.  The second Mark, however, is full of highs and lows, peaks and valleys, and ups and downs.  Will the downs cause you to vote against him?  Or will his few genuine achievements or impressive corny qualities win out?

You be the judge.

–Cap’n Black White Red Now Feel the Vibrations

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. BananaChocolateBootyClapper
    October 5, 2010 at 11:26 am

    (target audience member speaking) Stop hatin’ on Walberg Cap’n! Don’t forget ~ he’s also co-executive producer on Entourage and Boardwalk Empire OXOXOXO BCBC

  1. October 5, 2010 at 8:16 pm

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