Home > Uncategorized > Coors' Cold Activated Assault on the Senses

Coors' Cold Activated Assault on the Senses

Have you ever wondered how much time you have wasted staring into the liquor store cooler contemplating whether that beer you want to drink is cold?

And have you ever asked yourself, Why oh why Lord did you not grant me the ability to determine the temperature?

Well, friend, Coors has the answer:

The Cold Activated Bottle.

It’s a bottle that turns color when it’s cold! Wow!

And not only that! Cans are now cold activated too. Real, honest to goodness cans!

Cans!

But wait, if you want to get more than just a six pack of Coors Light…how are you supposed to tell it’s cold?

Well, our good-natured friends at Coors has you covered, friend! Because the cases now have cold activated windows!

So you can see your cold activated cans through the cardboard!

Okay, had enough? Yeah, me too.

Seriously, folks, when did Americans (I’m isolating you because I’m going under the assumption no self-respecting foreigner would be caught dead drinking a Coors) become so incompetently stupid as to not be able to determine the temperature of a beer? When I see beer in a fridge or cooler, I’m going to assume it’s cold. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT COOLERS DO. And if I then reach for it and my hand tells my brain that no, this beer is not yet cold, I will then make the decision as to whether I can wait to drink the beer or not.

I feel like I have the right to make that decision. I don’t need it force fed to me. I can go through life pretty confidently without cold activation.

But apparently Coors doesn’t think so. Their motto says, “When the mountains turn blue it’s as cold as the Rockies.” Well, I decided to put that to the test. Want to know what temperature it is in Denver today?

93°F | °C

Current: Partly Cloudy

Wind: SE at 5 mph

Humidity: 10%

Yeah, thought as much. Try drinking a Coors at that temperature.

The real problem here is that Coors has made a decision to avoid what they should do (which is improve their horrible-tasting beer) and embrace the completely unnecessary (develop silly beer packaging innovations). And now, others are following suit. Take a look at Miller Lite’s Vortex bottle:

Seriously, WTF is that? Why do I need a vortex in the bottle? What does this accomplish? Besides, I’m pretty sure I don’t want my beer swirling.

Unless it’s down a funnel that is!

America, please, don’t buy into this. Buy good beer, not silly gimmicks. And trust your senses for criminy’s sake. Your hands and eyes should be enough to tell you whether your beer is cold. And if those fail you, use a sense frighteningly uncommon these days:

Common sense.

–Cold Activated Capjack

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