Home > Uncategorized > Two Quick Exiles: Talking Animals and Chipotle Everything

Two Quick Exiles: Talking Animals and Chipotle Everything

If aliens are watching us, they are undoubtedly sure of two things:  Americans love talking (and dancing) animals and they can’t eat anything if it doesn’t have chipotle in it.

And they’d be right.

But let’s start with the talking animals first.

By now you’ve probably seen commercials for Marmaduke, the spiritual successor to Furry Vengeance, Garfield, and the live-action Scooby Doo films.  And in those commercials you can see the “filmmakers” have hit all the necessary points:

  • Is the animal voiced by a well-known, non-threatening, not especially expensive actor?  Oh yes. This time it’s Owen Wilson.  Joy.
  • Does the animal have a “funny” sidekick preferably with a sassy latin voice?  Definitely!  This time it’s a cat voiced by George Lopez.  That’s gotta be funny.  Like Beverly Hills Chihuahua funny.
  • Is there a dance sequence where the entire cast of animals get on their hind legs and gyrate to a song popular with all the kiddies?  Damn straight there is.  To Tick Tock by Kesha this time (a favorite of Limejuiceboy’s).  Does it make you want to put a Zippo to your eyeballs?  Hell yes it does.  God gave those animals four legs for a reason people.

Not exactly what I meant, but okay

And it’s not just movies.  Commercials have been using talking animals to shill their products for years.  Geico has the gekko, Charmin has the talking bears with dingleberries on their asses, Snapple now has talking panda bears (because when I think juice, I think panda), and I just saw Carfax has unveiled their new mascot, the Car Fox.  Get it?  Of course you do.  It’s stupid.

Makes me wonder if all this talking animal business stems from something deeper.  Do Americans hate their fellow humans so much so as to not trust them to sell them products?  Or are we more easily entertained than ever before?  And if so, isn’t that a step down for progress?

I digress.  I mentioned chipotle before, right?

That’s right, that funny little spice with the super fun name that apparently fell out of the sky three years ago to take the country by storm.  I mean, I never heard of chipotle until the past few years.  Yet all of a sudden every restaurant chain was busy wheeling out their new crazy chipotle product.  From Chilis to the ol’ Sizzler you’ve got a wide variety of choices like:  honey chipotle crispers, barbeque chipotle snackers, and, of course, honey barbeque chipotle crispy snackers.

Sigh.

The sad thing that this wasn’t enough for America.  No, one company decided that they wouldn’t just shake and slather chipotle over all their products.  That wasn’t good enough.  No, they had to embody chipotle.  Become chipotle.  Name themselves…you guessed it…CHIPOTLE!

Join us

Damn it people, do any of you even know what chipotle is?  Do you know why you need it?  My theory is that the only reason this pesky spice rose to such promise is that people just like to say it.

CHEE-POH-T-LAY.  Whee!!!  Fun!

By now you’re probably looking for a point to this long rant (if you even made it this far) and I’m not sure I have one.  I’m just personally sick of both of these trends.  And it’s only a matter of time until Kevin James voices a latin badger who likes to dance to Justin Bieber upon hearing that a platter of honey barbeque chipotle crispy snackers are on the way.

Dance to me, bitch

And I don’t want that.  Not now.  Not ever.

That is all.

–Cap’n Chipotle Snackjack

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