Home > Uncategorized > Dick Cheney's Incredible Inedible Heart

Dick Cheney's Incredible Inedible Heart

This has been an interesting week.  First Boner.  Now Dick.

Dick Cheney was once again rushed to the hospital for chest pains this week.  It was later revealed that the pains were actually a minor heart attack, which begs the question:  How many heart attacks has this man had?

Five.  The answer is five.

From the NY Times:

Before the current episode, Mr. Cheney had four heart attacks, quadruple-bypass surgery and two procedures to unclog his arteries. In 2001, he underwent an operation to implant a defibrillator. In July 2007, that device, similar to a pacemaker, was replaced. He has also received electric shocks to correct irregular heart rhythms.

Wow.  That’s an impressive resume of heart failure.  Electric shocks, even.  If any doctors are reading, may I be the first to suggest more of these for the man?

"I got your back."

Thanks, Dr. Venkman.

Look, it’s crazy that this man is still alive.  There are kids with terminal cancer and this man continues to survive.  People get hit by cars and trains almost every day in this country and this man continues to survive.  Dogs get electrocuted on manhole covers and yet, this man still continues to survive!  An alumnus from my college died falling into human excrement at a sewage treatment facility for Christ’s sake and…well, you get the picture.

Which leads me to only one conclusion:  Evil Never Dies.

"I can vouch for that."

Like Vlad the Impaler and Voldemort before him, ol’ Dick is gunning for eternal life.  Sure, his heart might be fighting him every step of the way, but Dick knows what to do about that:  Call it a terrorist, waterboard it a few times, and feed it a healthy dose of warm kitten blood. 

"Pass me some more of that delicious kitten blood, please."

Hell, it’s worked so far.  Why stop now?

–Cap’n Blackjack

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. limejuiceboy
    February 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    I’m afraid to leave a comment–except for this one.

  2. limejuiceboy
    February 27, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I waterboard my heart every weekend.

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