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My Date With The Love Guru

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They say the most shocking turns of our lives are the most unexpected. I can certainly attest to that after my surprise encounter with Mike Myers’ The Love Guru.

I was in upstate NY this past weekend, visiting some of my wife’s relatives. It was during the typical mid-day small-talk-a-thon that one such relative (let’s call him Mr. X) asked the question, “Hey, have you seen The Love Guru?”

Naturally I was taken aback by this. Did I really just get asked this question? Of course I haven’t seen it. Who has?

So, I told Mr. X that no, I have not, and proceeded to listen to him tell me that I NEED to see it. That’s it’s “stupid in an awesome sort of way” and “horrible, but funny”. These words of encouragement were not succeeding at all. My resolve in never seeing this movie was resolute. There was simply NO WAY I was ever going to subject myself to watching this film.

NO. WAY.

Until about 3 hours later, that is. “What are you doing?” I asked Mr. X. “Putting in a DVD,” he said. I asked to see the cover…

NOT hysterical

Oh god. My nightmare was coming true. I was about to spend the evening with…The Love Guru.

Now, I’m going to assume most of you have not seen it. So, let me give you the highlights. Mind you, this isn’t the plot because I’m pretty sure there was none. I’ll add that as my first highlight:

1. No plot. Something about a hockey team needing spiritual help or something. Who cares.

2. An elephant pooping on someone.

3. An elephant humping another elephant on the ice during a hockey game with Mike Myers riding the back of one of them. Upon completion of said humping Mr. Myers mimicked having an orgasm. Truly one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen.

4. Mike Myers acting out a blowjob with his hands and mouth. (a.k.a.: The second most horrifying thing I have ever seen.)

5. Sir Ben Kingsley doing an imitation of an Indian Guru so badly that it would make Ghandi (a man he portrayed for Oscar gold, mind you) question passive resistance.

For shame, Ben

6. More Mike Myers garbage seen dozens of times before: mugging to the camera, every character name is a bad pun about penises, abuse towards little people, etc.

If not for Righteous Kill, this movie would probably be the very worst I have ever seen.

Now, back to Mr. X who made the torture of being subjected to this movie even worse by repeating every line in the movie and laughing uproariously. Not only that, but the man actually rewound the movie a number of times because I wasn’t paying attention! My whole plan was to not pay attention! Gah!

So, in closing, let this serve as a warning. The Love Guru has Mike Myers having an orgasm in his pants and fans that can’t get enough of it.

My prescription? Fire. And lots of it!

–Cap’n Blackjack

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Mrs. Blackjack
    February 9, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Please let us never speak of this again.

  2. limejuiceboy
    February 9, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Wanna come over and watch a movie…Deuce bigelow II?

  3. BananaChocolateBootyClapper
    February 11, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Gross!

  1. October 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

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