Home > Uncategorized > The 2009 Island Movie Award

The 2009 Island Movie Award

It’s that time where everyone is throwing out their Best and the Worst of the Year.  Here at Celebrity Exile, we’re all about the worst in things.  And today it’s my worst movie of the year that’s going to The Island.

Now, just to be clear, this is MY worst movie of the year.  It’s not necessarily THE worst movie of the year.  I’m sure had I seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and all the robotic dog-humping on display in that turd, it would be tops on the list.  But, thankfully, I avoided that mess. 

I wasn’t so lucky with X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

After X-Men 3, I thought that Fox couldn’t possibly ruin this series any more.  Boy was I wrong.  This movie was a stinker from the get go.  We start with a very young Wolverine and Sabretooth, who are apparently brothers (Really?  They’re brothers now?  Um…Okay.), and have serious sibling rivalry issues.  Then we move into the opening montage, showing the two in every American war starting with the Civil one and ending with the WWII.  This scene might have been cool except for the lapse in logic on display.

You see, in the first scene, Wolverine and Sabretooth are kids.  Little kids.  Then in the montage, they’re adults.  Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber to be exact.  From this point on, through 150 years of story, they don’t age.  Not one bit.  Sure, it’s part of their mutant power not to age, but then wouldn’t that make them little kids still?  Or is it part of their mutant powers to age quickly to the point that they are recognizable actors?  And then not age anymore?  I mean, I want as much Jackman as the next guy, but if this aging thing is a vital part of the story, it would have helped if it had made sense.

Sure, this may be a nitpick, but it’s all I could think about during this montage.  And we’re only getting started.  Here’s what came to follow:

  • Jackman screaming “NOOOO!” at the sky while cradling his “dead” wife’s body. (FYI: She’s not really dead!  OMG!)
  • “Actor” Will-I-Am playing some sort of sexy-cool mutant.  What were his powers?  I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter.  What matters is that he wants to be an actor and Fox wanted to give him a shot.  Here’s a piece of advice: Stop.
  • Ryan Reynolds slicing bullets in half in mid-air.  Sure, I know he’s got sexy abs and stuff, but this must have looked a lot cooler on paper than it did on my flatscreen.  Keep posing for the camera, pretty-boy.
  • Jackman marching out of a fiery explosion in slo-mo.  Yeah, never seen that before. 
  • Gambit (another forgettable new addition) kicking the crap out of Jackman, then rescuing him from certain death moments later for NO GOOD REASON.  Okay, Gambit, you try to kill him, then minutes later you save him, but you have zero incentive to do so.  How many screenwriters worked on this again?
  • Stale, boring, fake-ass backgrounds throughout the entire film.  I’ve seen more realistic backdrops in Enemy Mine.  Yes, everyone, run half-heartedly toward the green screen which will have a totally flat and bland helicopter sitting there in post-production!  Ugh…
  • A plot involving an adamantium bullet crafted to kill the guy with an adamantium skull and a healing factor.  Hmm…  I’ve never shot a steel bullet at a steel wall before, but I’m pretty sure the bullet won’t break through the wall.  Just a guess there.  Plus that wall doesn’t heal itself in seconds too.  Maybe the bad guy should have thought this through a little more.  Maybe everyone involved should have.

I’m pretty sure there’s more I’m missing, but I just can’t dredge up any more memories from this poor excuse for a movie.  I’m getting a headache.  Fox, please stop making X-Men movies.  Stop driving this series into the ground.  Whatever promise was there initially is long dead.  Let these characters rest in peace, please.

–Cap’n Blackjack

Honorable Mention:  The Day the Earth Stood Still

While technically a movie from 2008, I saw this in early 2009 and it’s a close contender for my worst movie of the year.  Flat, boring, stale, stupid, and poorly-acted pretty much sums it up.  Nothing in this movie makes any sense, that Will Smith kid is beyond irritating, and I haven’t even gotten to Kathy Bates.  Avoid this movie at all costs.  Watch the original instead.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. limejuiceboy7
    December 22, 2009 at 10:23 am

    I do love me some Enemy Mine. Gotta love the Quaid.

  2. Mrs. Blackjack
    December 23, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    There is nothing wrong with Ryan Reynolds posing for the camera.

  3. limejuiceboy7
    December 24, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Mrs. Blackjack!

  4. BananaChocolateBootyClapper
    December 26, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Enemy Mine is the equivalent of receiving an enema. And I agree w/Mrs. Blackjack.

    • capnblackjack
      December 28, 2009 at 2:23 pm

      Enema Mine?

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