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Sassy Lassy Time.

Ahoy thar, ye baranacle chewing scalawags!

Welcome, Sassy Lassy.

In an earlier post (November 29th, to be exact) we had our intrepid reporter, Sass Lass, take to task the first Exile Island inhabitant by relating a direct, personal experience with R. R. who, if you didn’t know, shouldn’t be allowed in the fast lane, speak in anything but Swahili, and slowly watch her own teeth turn blue. I just got the chills. So after reading S.L relate to us her unfortunate ordeal, Cap’n Blackjack and I asked her back. And now, without further ado, please wish Sassy Lassy’s banishment of the one, the only…

Beyonce Knowles.

Argh, matey, me be roundin out to the end of me pennin’ of olde Beyonce blaaarrg entry in me Captains’ log. This be pleasin’ to me eye. Th’ saucy wench got what she desssseerved. Twas difficult penning me hatred ’bout dis wench.

Set sail for on tha marrow! Fill ye pantaloons with plenty ‘o rum for th’ grog fest of ye ole year! Lady Erin shall anchor with me matey’s.
(This was meant for me, the Limejuiceboy–so back off, any of ye bearded salty bilge rats!)

Me’s like to request a captain log entry on ye olde blaaaarg penned with me native tongue of limey scoundrel: piratude.
(Arr, tis be granted)

Aye ye matey, sail steady with a sailor, watch the crabs on ye bottom! yo ho ho ho
(Crabs on me bottom tis me problem)

Down below is me entry:

[Editor’s Note: Sassy Lassy just set the bar for asking post permission. Do me proud, swabbies.]

Ah! Beyonce! I woke up this morning with your catchy lyrics and rhythmic melodies of Sweet Dream hammered into my head. This is making it much more difficult for me to denounce you.

I am a cynic towards Destiny’s Child more so than Beyonce Knowles; but she was part of that hell spawned gaggle of R&B puppets, so she is in my cross hairs today.

Let’s hop into our time machine, set the fluxcapacitor for the year 1999, also known as the “decade of disillusionment” (which I’m sure no one informed Ms. Knowles about that) and ride that beam of light to the Destiny’s Child album, The Writing’s on the Wall. As millions of pre-teen girls snatched this album off the rack (music pirating was not as rampant as it is now, arr matey) they absorbed this contradictory nonsense spewing from these musical threesomes’ mouths. Let’s start with the song “Bills, Bills, Bills”. The women are informing their suitors to pay their bills for them. I understand “you want no scrub”, but a woman needs to stand on their own two feet…independently. Which brings me to the next song, “Independent Woman”. The girls learned from err of their ways, adapted to be a more positive role model for young ladies of the world. I commend you on this Destiny; but moving on to later in your career. Immediately after that release was “Survivor”. What are you surviving exactly? Constantly contradicting yourselves?

“The more successful I become, the more I need a man.” B. Knowles

After the disbandment of Destiny’s child, Beyonce continued to contradict herself. She falls in love with some rapper guy named Jay-Z, sings songs professing love for him, marries him and comes out with songs like “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable”. If she was my saucy wench, I’d throw her overboard.

-Sassy Lassy

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