Home > Uncategorized > Tiger Woodsapalooza & The Next Sign of the Apocalypse

Tiger Woodsapalooza & The Next Sign of the Apocalypse

Tiger Woods is a philandering douchebag.  Surprise! 

I was always a little suspicious that Mr. Woods was a dickhead when the cameras were off and that he might have enjoyed a little steroid action over the years so, at first, I was admittedly a little happy to see him go down in flames.

By the way, Tiger, you're on The Island

But when I woke up the other day to BREAKING NEWS concerning a middle-aged blonde woman, who later turned out to be his mother-in-law with stomach cramps or something, being wheeled out of his mansion on a stretcher, I hit my wall.

Enough. 

Enough enough enough! 

I can only imagine all the excited faces in the rows upon rows of news vans outside his Florida palace that night as the ambulance arrived.  “Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!” 

And I certainly saw the Swank-like seriousness on the news anchors’ faces that morning.  Those faces seemed to say, as they constantly interrupted other more important stories, “This is important.”

"This is important."

No.  No it’s not.  It’s not important.  It’s sensationalism and I want it off my fucking news. 

Look, I’m not saying that we get rid of these stories altogether.  I’m just as guilty of getting caught up in them as anyone (this blog, hello!), but when Britney’s hair and Lindsay’s crotch start making it onto the news instead of things like, oh, I don’t know, the two wars we’re in, health care, and global warming, I start to get a little pissed. 

Keep it off the fucking news! 

Leave this shit to Perez and The Insider (two future Island nominees there).  That’s what they’re there for.  Keep it off my news.

So, to all the parasites stuffing their faces with Chipotle in their hot news vans in Florida, go straight to The Island or straight to Hell.  I don’t care.  Just go away.

–Cap’n Blackjack

[Disclaimer: I realize that this post may be construed as hypocritical considering the nature of this blog.  But that’s just what this is, a blog.]

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. limejuiceboy7
    December 10, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    I don’t know about the steriods thing, shoulders like that develop naturally. In lab rats. Oh wait, I said naturally…

  2. Mrs. Blackjack
    December 10, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!

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