Home > Uncategorized > Getting Serious with Hilary Swank

Getting Serious with Hilary Swank

So serious

It was during the Oscars a few years back.  The stage emptied and the announcer called for Oscar-winner Hilary Swank to come out on stage.  It was that time I leaned over and said to Mrs. Blackjack, “She’s coming out to do the obituaries.  Guaranteed.”

And I was right.  No one does serious like Hilary Swank.

You see, Ms. Swank is a serious actress.  With a resume full of serious roles.  She’s our most serious star in these most serious times.


I think she sucks.  Sure, she might be a good actress, but her movies are nothing I want to have anything to do with.  Boys Don’t Cry?  No thanks.  Million Dollar Baby?  I love Eastwood, but I know this one gets depressing.  Plus I don’t need to see her covered in that much sweat.  Pass.  Amelia?  Did anyone see this movie?  Will anyone see this movie?  That’s what I thought. 

Plus, what’s up with all your mannish roles, Swank?  You play a man, then you play a muscular boxing woman, then you play the very mannish Amelia Earhart.  Me thinks there’s something subliminal at work here…

But I digress.  It’s my feeling that no one can have fun around Hilary Swank.  She walks into a room, it gets cold.  She shows up at your party, the booze gets put away.  She comes on stage, it’s time to get sad and talk about dead people.  You get the idea.

Hilary, you’re not a bad actress, but I never want to see you on screen.  Maybe I’m still bitter about the Next Karate Kid (a movie I’m sure your more serious side is embarrassed about).  I dunno.  But the only way I can be sure that you don’t depress me any longer is to put you on The Island.


–Cap’n Blackjack

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. The Fish
    December 9, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    “I think she sucks. Sure, she might be a good actress”…yea that makes sense

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