Home > Uncategorized > Patricia Heaton Needs an Extreme Brain Makeover

Patricia Heaton Needs an Extreme Brain Makeover

courtesy mathfail

There are some actors in our world that seem to fit so well into their roles that they portray. Usually when we talk about this it is because they are so good at their craft and we admire their ability to immerse themselves, making their performances amazingly real.

But then there are those actors that aren’t acting. They are just being themselves. Patricia Heaton is a case in point. If you have seen just 5 minutes of Everybody Loves Raymond (and within those 5 minutes Patricia Heaton appeared on screen) you would see that she plays an annoying, complaining, angry person who doesn’t appreciate those who either choose to be or are forced to be around her on a daily basis.

That’s because she’s not acting. That’s her up there on stage. That’s the same person that goes home at night to her beaten-down family and any so-called friends that have to put up with her. Why did she win two Emmys for her role? For two reasons: 1) she wasn’t acting and 2) she would have ripped the judges’ jugulars from their throats with her filed teeth if they didn’t cast a vote in her favor.

Patricia, you are not funny. I know it’s a “sitcom” but yelling at your husband, dragging him by the ear, hating your in-laws and everyone around you is not a laugh-riot. The studio audience must have been drunk every time you were on stage. Or the producers pumped in the canned laughter.  

To enhance the points made above, here are two videos featuring Patty Helen Heaton. First up is from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. No need to watch this past the 18 second mark (but feel free to torture yourself):

“Where am I? You said get on a plane so I’m here.” Patricia, I believe it when you said you had no idea where you landed. The pilot probably came on the intercom and you demanded he shut up so as not to interrupt your mimosa and the brow-beating of your assistant you were in the middle of for not putting a picture of puppies with their throats slashed on your newest credit card. Speaking of credit cards, here’s the second video:

Okay, first of all, you would need instructions on how to walk. Then you go insult the rest of the country?! Way to make yourself likable. It gets better though. You then insult your alma mater! That means the place where you went to college, Patty. But at least you admit you didn’t spend a lot of time in the classroom. So, you got that going for you.

And finally, you were in Sierra Leone and yet you call them Sierra Leonees? They are called Sierra Leoneans, stupid.

Patricia, it’s not that you are bad at math; it’s that you didn’t even want to try to think about the question! Regis, you are a saint.

For these and for many other reasons that I failed to mentioned, I banish thee, Patricia Heaton, to the Island. Please, never, ever come back. In fact, even if I gave you a GPS and a motorboat I wouldn’t be worried about you coming back—you wouldn’t know how to operate either one.


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