Home > Uncategorized > And first up on Celebrity Exile…

And first up on Celebrity Exile…

Rachael Ray-America’s Sweetheart

Here on Celebrity Exile we banish celebrities to islands, where they can bother us no more.  Sometimes we have good reason for it.  Sometimes, it’s more of a personal thing.  My first choice is definitely the latter.  It’s not her cooking or her show or her products that bother me.  No, it’s just her.  Something about Miss Ray just gets under my skin.  You see, to me she’s not the perky, bubbly sweetheart America thinks she is.  No, to me she’s a short, pear-shaped, Joker victim with a two-pack smoker’s voice and the vocabulary of an eight year old.

Let me break this down:

Short:  I’m not going to pretend I know how tall she is, but if I were a betting man, I’d wager she’s no higher than a mailbox at the curb.  Good thing her mouth’s big enough to hold a stack of Ikea catalogs.  More on that in a bit.

Pear-shaped:  This is mean, I know, but it’s there.  For all the world to see.  Stay behind the kitchen island, Rachael.

Joker Victim:  You’ve seen Tim Burton’s Batman, right?  I think Rachael has been mixing her hair spray with a nicotine patch, if you know what I mean.  Her mouth’s bigger than a cantelope slice.

Two-Pack Smoker’s Voice:  This is self explanatory.  That voice of hers is AWFUL.  No self-respecting woman should have a voice deeper than my grandfather’s.  Especially on TV.  You’ve got enough money Rachael.  Find someone to dub your voice.  PLEASE.

Childish Vocabulary:  Delish?  Yummers?  Grow the fuck up, Rachael.

The thing that really worries me is that America’s last sweetheart, Katie Couric, took that smile of hers all the way to the evening news desk on CBS.  I just can’t allow that to happen again.  For that, and all the reasons above, I banish thee, Rachael Ray, to the Island.  Please, PLEASE, never come back.

–Cap’n Blackjack

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